As I fill up my career inventory test for the umpteenth time, I can almost almost bet against a poor stranger Willing to lose a dollar over what the councillor will tell me. which, a phrase told to me countless times by councillors past before.
“You are a walking enigma”, they say. “You show an interest in technical aspects, which require precision and a tried and tested formulae to achieve success in these careers, as well as art, which requires flow and spontaneity, and traversing paths untraveled by. A passion in business and capitalism, which would be suitable in banking and finance, as well as an inclination to welfare for society. A public servant and non-governmental organisations and institutions would do you good.”
Of course, no clear answer but a vague idea that my passions oppose each other. I could be an executioner, dear death’s welcomer, as well as I could be the lawyer that challenges the court’s death sentence. Makes it hard to decide then. Jack of all trades, master of none might sound like a complement, but it hardly is. When you’re a jack of all trades, which one do you pursue to be the master of?
It all started in 2016 , when I read What makes you not a Buddhist by Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse, when I jumped into this never-ending rabbit hole of philosophy. Slowly and steadily Buddhism became my life, every thought, every decision measured by the scales of various Lamas and Buddha’s teachings. By 2017, Buddhism turned into a passion for stoicism and teachings of Plato, Seneca and Aurelius, and by a few years down the line, turned into Nihilism ,the teachers being Friedrich Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Buddhism to an extent too. Seems like a good thing to read and explore, but it really wasn’t.
Easily influenced, mind a moldable clay; Caused me to be kicked around aimlessly like a ball being manhandled by a group of rabid pre-teens on their once-a-week PE. period.
Reading about with your mind wide open and an easily influenced nature meant my opinions changed as fast as the latest book I read, never having an opinion of mine. Every thought I seemed to have was a culmination of various dead philosophers. It seemed that even in the grave, they seemed to have a mouthpiece of their own yet alive.
What Nihilism, Buddhism and a few other philosophies impressed upon me, is that nothing really matters, no good, no bad; no labels and no attachments. no sad, happy, angry and depressed since emotions and feelings are fleeting and entirely a construct of one’s own mind. And when nothing really matters what’s the point of anything?
Life has slowly lost purpose. a dull, bland life where it hardly matters if I eat khichdi everyday since tastes are a construct of one’s mind and why seeking pleasure from food is giving in to one’s temptations, where all emotions of hurt and pain and happiness and sadness are self inflicted because I read and watched videos about how Buddhists burned themselves alive as an ultimate sacrifice to their meditation where they could control their pain tolerances. where I wear black all the time since colors are a construct of one’s mind and how each one of us sees colors individually, and what’s “black” to you might be a different shade of “black” to me, not caring about my appearance since why the hell does anything matter? Why would I put efforts in dressing to impress and find and build relationships and connections when love and trust and care and just chemical reactions within one’s mind, designed to procreate and spread its DNA and ensure its survival into the wretched world.
Too much right? Welcome to my brain. All these are (but not limited to) side effects of too much introspection and philosophy.
I’ll tell you another side effect of philosophy. You lose your sense of preference, your likes and dislikes. Life flatlines when you try to gain control over your emotions and supress the “Bad” ones . Since nothing matters and everything is relative, You no longer have material desires, and no that’s not a good thing. You see, man has thrived for so long because there’s something to always look up to. There’s something to always achieve. A new villa, a private jet, a new flashy car, maybe a new flashy partner to accompany the passengers seat of the new flashy car, all these are valid desires meant to motivate you to get off the damn recliner and get to work, and earn money, thereby fueling the economy, creating new jobs, creating new demands and thereby keeping life in motion, and when you lose your sense of desires for the fine things in life, and mans inherent desire to impress and attract mates and social standing, you become complacent, just like a comatose patient.
The comatose patient doesn’t care if he’s alive or dead, if someone is feeding him or not, if he is being turned twice a day from his bed in order to prevent bed sores and his body literally decaying due to inactivity. The only difference between you and the comatose is that he ‘literally cannot’ move until death arrives, and you choose not to until death arrives.
Even if materialistic desires does not drive you, working for the sake of fame for self or attachment to others is highly important too. The invention of rubber gloves by Dr. William Halstead was done out of the affection and care he had to protect his wife’s hands from harsh disinfectants in the hospital they both worked in. Nils Bohlin, the inventor of the seat belt, did not patent his idea with a thought towards humanity so that it would become a mass market safety feature which would impact the lives of millions of people in accidents worldwide. Marie curie died discovering various radioactive materials and advancing cancer treatment research. I doubt any of them thought that life was not worth it or were nihilists that gave up on the meaning of life. I guarantee that so many people (we may never know who since no one would admit) may have done great things for life even if it was backed by the desire of making a name for themselves.
Hence, life does not function that way. Unless you are a baby dependent on his parents for everything, there is no free meal. One must thrash and put in efforts to create his life and make his living, and although it sounds masochistic, the struggle and the pain gives life its meaning.
I’ve reached so deep in my personal rabbit hole of hell, that I don’t know my way back and search for my life’s purpose and meaning. Here I am, after my umpteenth career guidance test, hoping to realize my expertise and find a way back to my passions and likings. Dear reader, if you’ve reached this far, listen to this recovering philosophy addict’s experience- “Prepare to fall into a rabbithole that will alter your life in the worst ways possible, or stay away from philosophy entirely if you are easily influenced and your mind moldable like clay.” Do not try to escape the matrix, there is simply no end to it.
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