11:10 PM… its a Saturday night, tik tok by Kesha playing in the background. Life’s good. coming home from the gym, tiring myself out of what little energy I had after work, I sit writing my blog. pouring my insecurities and fears, my whims and good tidings to the two odd viewers my page has.
Fears. the title of this post, my key to a lock of paragraphs left unsaid, waiting to be poured out through this post.
I fear being a disappointment. A disappointment to my family really, no one else.
I fear being unable to handle the estates I have been bestowed upon by my family. I fear being unable to weather the responsibilities of handling, managing and growing the business. of taking a wrong investment decision, and losing it all. A disappointment in taking care of the seniors of my family, and not being a good role model son, grandson, brother. nothing new though. a problem faced by the multiple scores of sons, and grandson’s of this world. I feel like Atlas, holding the world. maybe im making a mountain of a mustard seed, but my fears, and feelings, they’re still valid though, exacerbated or not.
Small pp.. heehee
I also fear heights. in a sense paradoxically, and literally.
also, I must admit, I have a very bad relationship with money. I think money is a very complex thing, like, how do people categorize on what how much must be spent, and for what services or items, how much must be charged? does 750 on a counselling session seem costly? or does 250 for a packet of imported chocolates seem alright? its really strange. I never could understand how and why things and services are priced the way they are. and how they’re earned in a business. I mean, I understand the basic concept of it. buy/make an item for 100, and sell it for 125. the 25 is your profit that you’ve earned. but then, whys it so hard to do? why does it seem like im doing a bad thing for charging a profit over my cost price?
If I were a world dictator, there would be no money. just people working on what they found a productive and exciting way to live life, automation everywhere, and barter system without the need of anything in return if you didn’t have anything in excess to give in exchange. no rich no poor, only the people who like to work on things they like doing, making, being, creating and exchanging. of course, naïve me. how would the economy work, banking, financial, and luxury markets work? it wouldn’t in this world with the kind of people currently living on it. nothing inherently good or bad in it. okay, id be lying if I didn’t agree I don’t like the present system very much. there. sue me. of course, if I were a world dictator, id be assassinated even before my system of economy would be known to the mass public.
Eh, one can only dream.
This moved out of topic very quickly. one loses the train of thought when one’s having fun.
okay, so insecurities. I am insecure about myself. I don’t know myself. if someone asked me to describe myself, I will shut down. I don’t know what I like, what I dislike, or what I plan to do with my life ahead. i like blogging, there’s that. I like playing the piano even though im terrible at it, creating art, and working out. I like reading, and writing. I dislike nothing. except for China. fuck you, China. I might get cancelled for hating an entire Country, but eh. unless my family hates me for it. I couldn’t care less.
12:15 AM…. dear reader thank you for staying the while to read on my rants, two readers who read all my posts, whoever you are. thank you. i do not know you, but it makes me feel like im not a madman interacting with only myself, (nor would I care if you thought so), so well thank you, and adios. until next time.
yours faithfuly.
Husain Kapasi.
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