TW; Depression, Suicide, ADHD.
There's an advantage I find having learnt through personal experiences, an ability of understanding complex social phenomena in an intricate level. Let me tell you something I learnt,
People who have any impairment are usually much less likely to be Enterprising, Productive and Competent at whatever they do. (The people who have ADHD, Depression, Bipolar, Im looking at you. ) When nothing seems worth it anymore, even doing something as basic as getting up to drink water seems like something that takes up a lot of effort and debate with yourself whether If its worth going through the pain and pushing your body to cooperate, when your mind just wants to shut itself down. Your body, fighting with the mind over the basic necessities of eating, and bathing. Your mind split into two, One knowing whats good and needed for your survival, versus the other wanting total peace and sensory deprivation. When Going to work feels like your Personal 3rd World War, and interaction with others, casualties of the spirit. When cooking and feeding your body, feels like you're cannibalizing yourself. When one pack of Melatonin, is as easy to consume as a pack of chewing gum. At that point of life, the easiest, and the most obvious choice is to prematurely exit this game, called life.
At this point of time, people are faced with two paths-
One, to commit to their want, reject their chance of a better future, reject their responsibilities, and the people who love them; towards present assuage.
Two, to pull through it all, like a rope that's barely about to snap. A sliver of optimism pulling their soul out of the deep pit of inexistence. A bit of optimism, that is a better chance of the chemicals in their brain setting down and coming to levels they should be at, a chance at another perspective of life, being a little bit more bearable. That maybe the present feeling, brings about something good out of it, or maybe its none of the above, but you're pulling through because you promised a certain someone that you'll stay for them at when they needed you. Because they do, as much as you don't believe it, atleast one person would care about your absence. In times like these, getting up of your bed, opening your blindfolds to let the light in and cleaning yourself up, feeding yourself, and being a productive person is critical, despite it feeling like a war against yourself. So, how do you do it? How you do it? getting up out of bed and all that? I've found the answer, Masochism.
You see, it takes a special kind of love for pain and discomfort to be able to pull through this experience. To be able to feel that indescribable feeling of your body fighting against your mind, yet doing what you have to do. Going to work, cleaning your room, eating, bathing, working out, all that. You're shouting to yourself, "OKAY MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WILL DO ALL YOU CAN, BE AS PRODUCTIVE AS POSSIBLE, BURN UP INTO THE BRIGHTEST FLAMES BEFORE TURNING INTO DUST, GIVE IT YOUR ALL. Like Icarus, flying higher and higher into the sky until the wax that bound his body to his wings melted , and he burnt up and fell to earth, You Wish to die, don't you? then do it with a BANG.
GO ALL IN. OVERWORK, OVEREXHAUST, Give in to the unattainable ideals of perfection, and Achieve it, or die trying. I can imagine PSA printed on all the biggest street boards after enough people follow my advice- WARNING: "PERFECTION IS INJURIOUS TO YOUR HEALTH, PERFECTION CAUSES DEATH." The strange ideal of attaining pleasure through controlled harm. reaching your end goal of inexistence through the socially idolized hustle culture, when all your mind begs for you to do is its opposite, is a funny Irony in itself. Dying in a way, that's not only socially accepted, but in fact Idolized, feels like an act of revolt against the society. So, the secret behind pulling through this feeling of inabilty to do something, despite knowing that its critical to your survival is, falling in love with your pain that you'll experience doing it, and actively search for activites that will give that to you, because in a way, it'll make that discomfort your new "Normal", and make it much easier to get through this. If you cannot fight pain, Join it, and love it. And That my friends, is constructive Masochism.
Written this piece while listening to this on repeat-
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